BRUCE HAROLD de COETLOGAN AYLWIN's MEMORIES

Memories . . . . .

ERITH BUOYS

'Golden Bollocks . . . . . . '

'Circa 1966 I was a boarding APO on the Woolwich launch. One sunny Sunday the West India rummage crew joined us, wishing to rummage a Polish cargo ship which was moored at Erith Buoys waiting for a berth. We tied up alongside the vessel and the rummage crew went on board, and not being required, I settled at the back of the launch with the Sunday paper and a beer. [Those were the days!]

My quiet sojourn was rudely interrupted by a carton of cigarettes hitting me on the head, having been thrown through the porthole. Soon there were around 2000 cigarettes and pouches of tobacco floating up river. I alerted the launch crew and we fished the contraband out taking us as far as Fords Dagenham. When we returned a rather unhappy rummage crew awaited us, especially as I was in line for the seizure reward!!

Tim Connolly, an APO on the rummage crew, christened me "Golden bollocks", as I had a history of falling over seizures, a fact he reminded me of at the last 'Old Guard' reunion. - Doug Fraser

 

GRAVESEND

If You Can't Take A Joke . . . .

'One afternoon in the 1960's, as a Rummage crew was getting ready to go home, a telephone call was received at the Custom House at Gravesend and an unknown caller said that an 'Everad' vessel would arrive at Greenhythe that night at about 8 pm and that a crew member would be landing the 'Loot' as soon as it got dark'  .He didn't give his name. After due regard the PO in charge  said 'I think that’s rubbish' and he was backed up by one of the crew and they went home. The other two APOs decided to give it a go and made their way to Greenhythe at the appointed time.

Bang on time a small coaster 'heaved to' in the River and a little later a crew member rowed ashore with a large cardboard box. He was intercepted and it was found that that the box contained a couple of packets of those well known chocolate bars named 'Loot'. The APOs were livid, they had been spoofed and they rang the PO and asked if the crew member could be charged with wasting Customs time. 'Rubbish' was the response. When the Rummage Crew arrived in the office next morning the PO gave each of them a bar of  'Reward' chocolate, another well known 'tit bit' of the time. - RW Gregory

PAT KIELY CPO

My Early Days In The Waterguard

'I reported on my first day to Room 114, Custom House, London and was shown into the Superintendent's Office, and introduced to Larry Keiran. He noted I was going to Surrey Docks the next day where, in his words, the CPO would be my father confessor.

This turned out to be the renowned Pat Kiely, whose three pet hates, I discovered, were our coloured cousins, freemasons and supernumerary APO's. He arrived in the office dressed in a white safari suit and my father confessor greeted me by saying 'Who the f**king hell are you?' 'Fraser sir' I replied. 'Right' said Pat 'Get me a f**king cup of tea', and gesturing to John Breeze 'get him one as well'. When I produced the two cups of tea Kiely said 'Which one is the good one?' 'They are both the same' I replied. Kiely responded 'Well, in future, the f**king good one is for me and the bad one is for him.'

Meanwhile, Tom Boucher the Office PO, had issued me with an official torch from the Surrey Dock stock. After about four weeks I was transferred to West India Dock and still being unused to getting up at 6 in the morning I left the torch on a bench in Victoria Underground. Not realising I should have said that I had dropped it overboard I dutifully told the truth thereby producing a large Board's File and a reprimand to take more care of official equipment. Over at Surrey Docks, Kiely was incandescent.

A couple of months later another supernumerary APO named Fraser also arrived at West India and I went to the WTC for the three month course. During my absence my namesake covered himself in glory by renting a flat on the Isle of Dogs and going on to ships at night, off duty, and demanding drink.

By the time I returned he had resigned and for some time I was known as the other Fraser. Kiely heard about my namesake's demise but assumed it was me. He went into the General Office at Surrey Docks and announced to anyone that was listening 'Remember that c**t Fraser that lost my f**king torch, well I have just heard that he got kicked out of the job for getting pissed on ships'. John Breeze spoke up and told Kiely that he had got the wrong Fraser. Kiely non-plussed said 'Do you mean there are two of the c**ts in the job!' You do not get father confessors like him any more!' - Doug Fraser

VICTORIA RAILWAY STATION

Shopping 'Up The Smoke'

'I can recall the Dover APO arriving at 09.00 on the Night Ferry - usually accompanied by wife or girl friend planning a day's shopping 'up the smoke' at the expense of British Rail's Southern Region! Ah! Happy days!' - Tony West

BARKING CREEK

Bill Alexander was then a newly promoted CPO . . . . . .

We had just taken delivery of a brand new, shiny, dark blue Ford Cortina car, and a very basic Ford Escort, which everyone hated. Bill wouldn’t let anyone use the Cortina, because he didn’t want it to get dirty - allegedly. Anyway, Derek Bamber and I were on duty when a call came in for us to board a small German ship at Barking Creek, a not very desirable job. The Escort was hors-de-combat, so we had to take the Cortina. The ship was late on, so as it was lunchtime, we had a pie and a pint in the pub opposite the wharf. All I had on me was a £5 note and some change, but I paid. It was something like £1.35 for the two of us, which I paid for with the note and some small coins.

When the ship came on, we boarded it and were overwhelmed with hospitality: the captain had had a foul voyage with engine failure and was grateful to the tug crew and to the British in general and he really went to town on us. When we eventually staggered up the brow, Derek offered to drive. Just as well as I was pretty far gone by this time! I have never touched Jagermeister since! As soon as we pulled into the compound at the office, I could contain myself no longer, and threw up all over the inside of the car - 'Yuck'.

The evening crew very kindly dropped me off at home, smirking as they delivered me into the hands of my wife . . . . . who then gave me a VERY hard time for having more money in my pocket than I had gone out with, namely £20 - FOUR £5 notes - and some loose change. I can only assume that the barlady had given me the wrong notes in change . . . . these were, after all, the days of pound notes! I crept into work the next day, armed with cleaning materials, only to be summoned by Bill Alexander, in full uniform, behind his desk in the 'portakabin' he used as an office. He gave me the most almighty bollocking, but it dawned on me pretty quickly that he was less upset about the vomit laden car than about the fact that I had not let him know that we were being entertained, and that we had not invited him along! He gave me strict instructions that, if EVER a ship came in for boarding where the captain or purser was inclined to be free with a “waxer”, we were to inform him IMMEDIATELY . . . . . - Iain Scott-Shore

EAST INDIA DOCKS

Jesus Fly Up Day . . . . .

'I recall an incident when I was the APO on the East India car patrol. The PO was, I think, Bob Curtis.

We went on board a German cargo ship on one of the wharves. The captain's English was as good as our German, but we eventually understood that he wanted a bottle of Scotch from the bond locker. Having examined the Blue Book we informed him that strictly speaking he couldn't have an issue until the following day, but he tried to explain that this was a very special day. Grandmother's birthday maybe or maybe his birthday we thought. He then became very excited and started flapping his arms around saying "It is Jesus fly up day" [aka Ascension Day!]

I have never looked on Ascension Day in the same light ever since. Incidentally, he got his bottle.' - Doug Fraser

KING GEORGE V DOCKS

HQ Bumf

The delightfully eccentric Percy Hodges - Office PO at KGV / Woolwich River Station - would open the HQ postal pouch which would contain several sheafs of paper stapled together with a circulation slip carrying the instruction "Please circulate and return". Percy would skim through them and if he thought the subject would be of interest he would put the papers out for circulation.

However the majority of HQ bumf was considered by Percy to be irrelevant, so he would get up clutching the bumf and stand on his chair. Raising the bumf above his head he would whisk it around in a circular direction, pronouncing "Well I've circulated it, so now I had better return it." The bumf was then returned to HQ in the same pouch in which it had arrived! - Neil Bailey

 

Unchained Melody

'Recalling items chained to the person, I remember a Preventive Officer at KG5 in London who reported to the Chief Preventive Officer that he had lost his brass seal some time during  the morning. He said the seal had been fastened to one of his trouser buttons by its chain and as he went aboard a vessel by way of a companion ladder, the chain had caught a stanchion and broken causing the seal to pitch into the dock.

He made the usual report to their Honours and was suitably reprimanded in the same usual manner. Some weeks later a dockworker visited the Office and produced the offending seal which he said he had found when he was sweeping up in a transit shed. Mr Ernie Catchpole PO walked over to the Lock Pit and threw the seal into the water. That regularised the position and kept the books straight he said. - RW Gregory.

RIDHAM DOCK

Lady of the fortnight . . . . . ?

'Whilst rummaging a Finnish vessel there, the Gravesend Mobile Rummage Crew found a 'lady of the night' who was being held captive on the boat against her will. She had been locked in a cabin for a number of weeks having boarded in Newcastle. Although pleased to be free, and off the boat, she did not wish to complain to the police. - Ray Stanford

SURREY COMMERCIAL DOCK

Making Tip

'In Surrey Docks in the 1950s/60s there were two Preventive Officers who were always at daggers drawn. Bob L. was probably the more articulate and had a way with words, and looked and acted like an Alderman with a Mr. Bumble the Beadle figure to match. Being a Local Councillor, Bob was marching about the Station making his presence felt amongst his electorate as Local Elections were coming up and he was drumming up votes amongst the dock workers, 'or the great unwashed' as he called them. He was also aware that he was due his turn as Mayor if he was elected. 

Jim D. was a Cockney sparrow, or more likely a Cockney ostrich, as he was a big man who had been in the Royal Flying Corps as a navigator/gunner during the 1914/18 war and had done a bit of boxing. He was getting a bit fed up with Bob walking around the docks haranguing the Dockers with his pompous campaign speeches.

But obviously Jim had a plan. 'A cunning plan my Lord”

An Indian vessel of the Scindia Steam Navigation Co. had arrived overnight and the names of all these ships were prefixed with Jala, as in Jaladhir for example, so naturally they were called “Jala Boats'  and it was Jim’s job that morning to attend the vessel to deal with the crew Customs Declarations.

It was the practice on Asian ships for the Chief Steward to prepare the Customs Declaration (C142) and as very few of the crew were able to sign their names in an English script the Chief Steward would also type in their names and the crew members were obliged to make their mark with a thumb print. The exercise was known as ‘making tip’.

When the day watch returned to the Office at 3.30 and went into the retiring room, it was full of colleagues admiring a Poster with a Labour Party Logo laid out with the message 'JALA BOAT SAYS VOTE FOR MR BOB' followed by 45 Asian thumb prints. Jim’s anti Bob crusade had been busy again that day.' -  R.W.Gregory

 

Coal from the sky . . . . .

One memory I have of my time as an APO was at a coal wharf in the Surrey Commercial Dock. I was dutifully following my PO, the regulation three paces behind him and carrying the case, when I become aware of noise all around me. The sound was as if stone were falling from the sky but there was no one else around and it was 3 o'clock in the morning!

I realised that it was my PO - an exceptionally superstitious man - he was picking up lumps of coal, spitting on them and throwing them over his shoulder. Never mind the poor APO who needed all his eagle eyes to avoid being struck, heavily, by the quite large lumps that he was throwing. I never managed to persuade him to desist from this practice. I am lucky to be alive! - Ivor Davis.

 

MV Scrotum . . . . . .

I was on duty at Surrey Docks one Saturday morning when the MV Scorton arrived from foreign. Boarding her at around 10 in the morning we found that she was signing off all of the crew most of whom lived on Tyneside. They had been away for quite some time so of course they had piles of stuff that they had accumulated during the trip to take home. A long job faced us.

My PO, an old timer very near retirement, and I settled in the saloon and started to take declarations, duty etc. About every half hour or so the governor would look up and ask “Have you got a fag boy”? So of course I gave him one and lit up myself, this went on for a few times until I ran out. “Have you got a fag boy”? “No governor, I’ve run out". To which he responded “Oh!”, took out his own pack of cigarettes, helped himself to one and put them away again, saying “Sorry boy I need what I’ve got to get me through this lot”. There were a lot of crew to deal with and each one was taking a long time. After a few hours the governor looked up at me and said “What’s the name of this f****** ship?” I replied “the Scorton”, “Oh f****** that cocks it up, I have been putting MV Scrotum on the duty slips - let’s hope the Dock Police find it funny!” - Bruce Plaice-Leary

THE HARPY

Ken Hencher - Millwall FC

'Anyone who knew Ken they will know what a fine footballer he was with Millwall. When they reached the cup final a few years ago he was invited, and partook of a few "sherbets". Probably the most famous story about Ken was when he was carpeted by the CPO at the Harpy station on a Monday morning, for signing off at 4pm the previous Saturday. Apparently the CPO was in the crowd at Millwall when the game kicked off - with Ken in the team - at 3pm!' - Colin Young

 

George Blake

'George Blake was a Russian Spy, who in 1961 was sentenced to 42 years in prison. On 22 October 1966, he escaped from Wormwood Scrubs, whilst I was waiting posting to LAP.

Like many others, I was reassigned to an extended evening shift and instructed to man the gangway of a Russian ship whilst others, including I suspect members of the security services, searched it for the escaped George Blake who was thought to be making his way to Moscow.

It was a very cold night. I manned my post lost in the folds of my official great coat with only a young, dour Russian sailor armed with a Kalashnikov AK47 and the hot smells from the adjacent galley for company. After about an hour the Russian sailor spoke 'You look for spy George Blake? He go to Germany. Is very cold here, you want hot drink?' With that he opened a door into the accommodation and spoke to those inside. After a while two mugs of steaming hot chocolate appeared. We drank the chocolate and he told me that he had learnt English at Moscow University whilst studying for his Masters 'Ticket' and, as he was a suppernumary on the vessel, had been assigned to 'looking after me' whilst my colleagues searched his ship for the spy.

We chatted the rest of the watch away with several more mugs of chocolate, some of the later laced with vodka! The rummage finished, I bade my new friend goodbye and went home cold, tired and with a new understanding of the 'soviet menace'. Meanwhile, George Blake had passed the night sound a sleep in his East German Hotel room oblivious to my part in his escape!' - Trevor Tomasin

 

Court Proceedings

'I was a supernumerary Assistant Preventive Officer on the Harpy when I became involved in my first Court Case.This was as a result of the seizure of 23 boxes of cigars that I found in a cut-out behind the wash-basin in the cabin occupied by the 2nd Steward of the Batavier, a regular Dutch trader to Custom House Quay in the Pool of London.

The offender was duly wheeled off in a tumbrel to the local ‘clink’ - at Clink Street SE1 - where he was charged and banged up for the night. The following day was a Saturday and as the offence was committed in the City of London it was in the Lord Mayor’s jurisdiction so I can’t expect he was best pleased at missing his golf to attend to his magisterial duties.

Out of deference to the fact that the Lord Mayor of London was also the officiating magistrate it was the custom that the Crown should be represented by a Barrister so that the Chief Preventive Officer, who would normally have conducted the case, had a day off. The Barrister was not too happy either.

The Court Room was in the magnificent Mansion House and was straight out of Charles Dickens, complete with wicked looking black iron spikes around the Dock, and glowering paintings of a dynasty of well padded and bewigged Aldermen hanging on the beautiful oak panelled walls.

The picture was completed by the Court Usher who continued the Dicken’s imagery by presenting a perfect replica of Mr. Bumble the Beadle. He was Mr. Bumble from the top of his tricorn hat to the tips of his silver buckled shoes, sporting a full-length black greatcoat displaying brass buttoned cuffs and buttoned up skirt tails and everything rounded off by a large red nose of prodigious proportions.

Mr Bumble commenced the proceedings with a resounding 'Put up the prisoner'. Dutchy appeared from out of the floor within the Dock and found himself surrounded by the black iron spikes. 'Be upstanding for the Lord Mayor' bellowed Mr Bumble and in swept another splendid figure who continued the pantomime by being attired in what I can only describe as a ‘nightie’ with a fur collar surmounted by a big black furry hat.

The prisoner could not contain himself and burst into a peal of unrestrained giggling.  His goose was cooked.

After hearing the case - Guilty plea of course - the Mayor said 'You will go to prison for 2 weeks!'  A representative from the Dutch Embassy pleaded mitigation and asked if it could be compromised with a fine instead of prison, but the Mayor was adamant. ‘ Prison it shall be and no option’ and having said this he ‘swept’ out with a flourish.

Justice had been done and as it was nominally our ‘schemed day off’ the Preventive Officer, Wally Bishop and I were on overtime so we went off to the 'Steam Packet' in Lower Thames Street to celebrate and Guv. bought the beer.

Moral: Do not laugh at the Beak in Court - he gets to have the last laugh - and try to avoid Saturdays if possible.' - RW Gregory.

 

Bill Weatherall . . . . And A Wardrobe!

'One of my favourite stories of "Uncle" Bill was when in the mid 60's, with fellow members of the Harpy Mobile Rummage Crew, he visited a Finnish "paper" boat on a wharf on the Thames - Northfleet I think. Bill chose to rummage the cabin of the Radio Officer. There, within a wardrobe, he found a clever concealment. Unfortunately on this occasion all it contained was wrappers etc. from bottles & cartons of previous successful ventures. He turned to find the Sparks smirking and saying words to the effect "Hard luck Customs, not this time".

Unfortunately for the Sparks, Bill remembered the section of the Act which stated that concealment's used for the purpose of smuggling goods could be destroyed. He therefore promptly removed the offending wardrobe from the bulkhead, staggered out on deck and lobbed it into the Thames. The Preventive Officer in charge of the MRC that day was one Bill Alexander who had been promoted only a few days earlier and been asked to relieve on the Mobile. So one of his first jobs as a PO was to explain to an incandescent Finnish Ship's Master why fixtures and fittings of his vessel were being dumped in the 'Oggin' by Customs. Oh happy days.' - John Barber

WEST INDIA DOCKS

The Office Cat

'To Preventive Staff on 4/11 & 11/8 watches: As the office cat appears to be making a habit of being sick under my desk, I would be grateful if you would ensure that the door is kept closed with the cat on the outside. Tom Hill CPO' - Steve Hill