GRIMSBY

Filleting fish . . . . . ?

'I remember my first day at Grimsby Docks, having just returned from the WTC full of enthusiasm and raring to go. I was asked two questions - can you play bridge and have you got yourself a sleeping bag? Bewilderment eventually gave way to enlightenment, as did the need to be able to fillet fish. Other practices are best left unmentioned on a site that might be open to public scrutiny!' - Dave Walters

 

HULL

Torch Batteries

'Whilst on the Hull MRC, and not able to find a suitable piece of paper, I submitted a request to the CPO for some torch batteries on a piece of toilet paper - he was not amused!' - Ken Swadling

Football trip to Leith

'Little story about the Lupton Cup. I took over as "Secretary" for the Hull Waterguard team in 1969 with Geoff Beecroft as captain. We decided, on a trip to play Leith, that we would keep the team sober before the match, so on the coach trip north we kept the beer in the boot whilst ensuring that the driver only stopped for breaks at places where there were no pubs. When we arrived at Leith, having kept the team sober, we were met by Dave Bertram (an ex Hull APO) who proceeded to take the team to the locker room and give them refreshment, undoing all the good work we had done. We lost 2 -1 with what was possibly the best Hull team there had been - had they remained sober!' - Ian Frances

Taken Short . . . .

'I was on a rummage crew on King George Dock with Dave Allin, APO and AN Other, APO. The PO was Bernard Murphy - ‘the Murph’. The three of us were on a dock patrol when AN Other was suddenly taken short and urgently needed the toilet. There were no facilities nearby so he told us he would have to use the toilet on a vessel being repaired in the dry dock. Dave and I told him the toilets would have been de-commissioned and unusable but undeterred, AN Other ventured on board and rejoined us on completion of his 'business’.

Back at the office, Dave and I dreamt up a ploy to teach this young upstart a lesson for conduct unbecoming of an Officer and a Gentleman and the need to observe Port Authority rules and regulations. With the collusion of the Murph, Dave answered a phone call purporting to come from the Managing Director of the Ship Repair Company - Brigham & Cowan? - complaining at the conduct of one of our officers.

The person calling said the MD had been in the Dry Dock with the company Chairman inspecting work being done on the hull when a torrent of solid excrement cascaded from on high onto the Chairman’s expensive bespoke overcoat! Enquiries amongst workmen on board identified the culprit as a ‘Customs One-Ringer’ who had been observed using a de-commissioned toilet, the outfall of which had been directly above the pair standing below.

(It didn’t occur to AN Other that no expulsion of the WC contents would have been possible with the ship’s water unconnected and that made this jolly jape more plausible)

The Murph feigned outrage and the hapless AN Other was instructed to write a letter of apology offering to pay for the damage sustained. AN Other duly completed his groveling apology in his best handwriting and handed the letter to the Murph who then, with great ceremony, proceeded to tear the letter into little pieces before him with an admonition as to his future conduct in similar circumstances.

AN Other stormed into the APO’s room and confronted Dave and I with “You bastards!” - Denis Atkinson

LEEDS-BRADFORD AIRPORT

In At Thee Deep End

'I was sent from DD at Dover for the winter of 1965/66 as PO 'in charge' of Leeds/Bradford Airport where I found I was also the Immigration Officer. There weren't many flights then, only a scheduled Amsterdam/Dusseldorf most days and regular 'Dan Dare' (Dan Air) flights to the Dutch bulb fields.

The airport building had burnt down and nothing was left, so I had to operate from a hangar. There was no heating in the part of the hanger which was sectioned off as my office, so I told my CPO, who was in Goole 53 miles away, that I was not going on strike but I would operate from either my car or the Landing Office which was double glazed and well heated. After the CPO, the Collector's Office Leeds and the Airport Authorities argued whose responsibility it was, I finally got some heating.

The CPO proudly brought the plans for the new Airport building to show me during that winter but I told him it was the wrong way round. All small airport terminal buildings should be crescent shaped with the inside of the crescent on the 'airside' so that Customs and others had a good view of the examination area from anywhere in the building. The CPO went quiet and said it was too late as the piles had already been driven. When the airport opened we had to have two offices as we couldn't see round corners.

Responsibility for the Waterguard was divided between the CPO at Goole and the Collector Leeds. They had no preventive staff at Leeds so any assistance I got for large flights came from Hull Waterguard, but this was thin on the ground.

I cleared Leeds United football team a couple of times when they were doing well in the Fairs Cup, and then I got a PO and APO to assist me. The Earl of Harewood used to travel with them and as a VIP. He asked if I would search his suitcase as he had never had the experience at larger airports as he was always ushered to the VIP suite. I apologised and said I was too busy. That trip I caught one of their star players smuggling a cine camera that he had bought duty free at Manchester on the way out. He admitted it but the senior PO who had come to assist me chickened out and took the duty. The manager, Don Revie offered me two good tickets to see a match, but I said that I could not accept gifts and any way, I had no interest in football! This dumbfounded the great man.' - Roy Longley