AVONMOUTH

Always a good bet

'Whilst rummaging the MV Phoenix at Avonmouth in 1967, I discovered about 5000 cigarettes and 24 bottles of brandy concealed in the air-intake of the main engine.

MV Phoenix was a little owner-occupied Dutch coaster of 297 NRT. The Chief Engineer owned up to the concealment and was fined £100 in court. The ship was also fined £100 by the Board for a smuggling attempt by a responsible officer

About a year after this seizure, I rummaged the vessel again and came up with a gallon of brandy in the forepeak. Soon after this the ship sank in the English Channel - much to my disappointment!' - Peter Harland-Jones

BIRMINGHAM (Elmdon) AIRPORT

Sleeping bag dreams

'During my early days at Birmingham Airport in 1968, my punishment for some misdemeanour was to be pounced upon by several colleagues, have my sleeping bag tied up around my neck with my arms trapped inside, and to be carried out into the public lounge and abandoned helpless in the midst of a large crowd of startled passengers. I had to make an undignified one man sack race back to the shelter of the office . . . . . . or was it all a dream?' - Cliff Davies

BRISTOL CITY DOCKS

My first day as an APO

'My first day as an APO was 31st May 1967, when I travelled to Southend to commence my WTC course. My 'home port' was Avonmouth, Bristol. After the training course my first day - Friday 28th July - was in Bristol City Docks. I was introduced to the Assistant Waterguard Superintendent, the Chief Preventive Officer and Office Preventive Officer. The Office PO growled 'Go and patrol the docks for the day. Report to Rhoose Airport on Monday.' I was to learn later that all Office POs' were helpful, cheerful souls.' - Jim Nicholson

The Awesome Power of the Preventive Officer - As related by the late Walter Frederick Bewen PO

Staff at Bristol Docks were responsible for the control of Filton aerodrome, home of the Bristol Aeroplane Company. On this day a prototype of the very new Bristol Britannia airliner returned from an overseas proving flight and a certain Mr Percy Grinham Preventive Officer was the boarding officer.

Picture the scene as a bevy of government ministers, MPs, company managers and other officials surged forward to the steps as the aircraft door opened. Percy in full uniform with white silk muffler raised his right hand and announced in a stentorian Bristolian accent, "She'm frozen for 'ealth nobody aboard." The assembled mob immediately stepped back cowering in awe whilst Percy, in his own time, established that there was no bubonic plague on board, there had been no undue mortality in the rat population etc. etc. And it wasn't until he gave the signal that anyone dared move.'  - Peter A Hopkins'

 

Who on earth are these strange, loud, slightly scruffy, uniformed creatures?

'The aforementioned Percy Grinham PO was l/C the Bristol MRC sometime in the late 1940's and Fred Bewen was one of his APO's. They used the train to access certain ports and on this particular day they travelled back to Bristol from Teignmouth, having completed their shift, on the Cornish Riviera Express, one of the more famous GWR crack expresses frequented by 'the quality'. Percy knew the dining car Chief Steward and they were shown into the first class saloon where they quaffed large quantities of ale in a slightly raucous fashion. Fred recounts that he became aware they were the centre of curiosity amongst the diners on board who must have wondered who on earth these strange, loud, slightly scruffy, uniformed creatures were.' - Peter A Hopkins'

CARDIFF

A greasy wind-up

'Clan McAllister was not averse to 'winding up' John Jones PO. On this particular morning Clan had rubbed some candle grease on John Jones' space on the signing-on sheet. The assembled throng sat back corpsed with laughter whilst John, unable to make his mark, became steadily more irate and ultimately dug a large hole in the sheet.' - Peter A Hopkins

 

MILFORD HAVEN

Henry's bungalow

'Henry Armitage named his bungalow in Milford Haven 'Farthings'- When asked why? he would reply in his posh, but Liverpool accent, "That's all I f****** had left after I built it!'. - Keith Bowen

 

Premature Replacement of Uniform!

'I was an APO on ‘nights boarding’ and the 1972 mid- January early hours were cold. We had a number of ships to visit, some on the other side of ‘The Haven’ and so we utilised the official launch. We boarded the launch as usual at the entrance to Milford Docks and made our way towards the pontoon at the Esso jetty – then ‘crash’! A massive wire hawser takes the top off the launch – and me with it! Somehow I grabbed the hawser as it took me off the boat – and found myself bobbing up and down in the fast flowing ebb tide.

Instinct told me to hang-on; it also told me to get rid of my heavy Waterguard great-coat and boarding case. After what seemed like hours, but in truth could only have been minutes, despite the loss of its wheel-house, the launch was able to turn – and get close enough for me to grab one of its fenders and be dragged back on board.

In today’s age of Health & Safety, I would have sued. Not so in 1972 – for sure the PSA managed to extract a meagre sum of compensation from the launch company for ‘inconvenience caused’. The pearl was the Board’s File, which contained all the various reports on the incident. In a somewhat less caring managerial style than now, the Subject was simply ‘Premature Replacement of Uniform’!' - Keith Bowen

PORT TALBOT

Anyone for Tea

'Norman Taylor CPO was known to indulge in the occasional heavy lunch and on his return to the office would demand of any available APO cups of strong tea. On this particular day the late great Jim Kent was on the receiving end of these demands and he decided to add some flavour to the brew. With the aid of a bucket and a rope, Norman's tea was made with water from the locks.' - Peter A Hopkins

 

The Honours List

'Just prior to his retirement in the early sixties the late Mr EA McNaught PO was convinced by some of his more plausible colleagues in Port Talbot that he was eligible to apply for an honour to mark his long service to the crown, this he duly did. The wags that set him up fortunately intercepted his submission without his knowledge.

Of course it didn't end there and at every opportunity they would ask him if he had heard anything from on high. After a reasonable amount of time had elapsed they decided to finish off the scam in spectacular fashion. A small parcel was prepared, addressed to Mr McNaught and with the collusion of the postman it was delivered to the office. They tried to conceal their amusement as he eagerly opened the package. The contents included a few words of congratulation and a homemade medal consisting of a piece of ribbon attached to a Waterguard wax seal. Mr M was not impressed and the perpetrators of this wicked trick were suitably self-satisfied.' - Peter A Hopkins

 

SWANSEA

H Leslie Flower - Preventive Officer

'H Leslie Flower Preventive Officer Swansea was a pre WW2 Waterguard entrant. Les was a quiet, unassuming, abstemious gentleman, in stark contrast with the majority of us. Sometime during the 1960's, I remember, we were visited by a member of the Board of Customs & Excise - he may have been Director of Establishments. His visit was probably to inform us that despite the fine job of work we were doing, unfortunately this year's pay settlement was well below the rate of inflation, but we would receive our rewards in heaven.

We were all on parade suitably clad in our number one's, when it became apparent that Les was in deep and earnest conversation with the 'Big Man' culminating in vigorous hand shaking and back-slapping, we also overheard that they were arranging to go out to dinner together that evening. All this was much to the consternation of the local hierarchy who must have thought that a mere Preventive Officer was acting well above his station. Later the truth emerged. Leslie Flower served in the South Wales Borderers during the war and rose to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel, the man from the Board had been his adjutant. I wonder who called who sir.' - Peter A Hopkins

To think we could have been working in the Ministry of Pensions & National Insurance . . . . . . .

'Mike Luxton PO and I were on a 4pm - Mdt boarding watch anticipating a fairly quiet evening. Nothing due on the tide and only a few bonds to ship, the last one of which involved just four cases of gin on a Peruvian vessel in the King's Dock, the first and last Peruvian ship either of us had ever encountered. We were shown into the officer's saloon and it was obvious there was a bit of a party taking place. The Master, Chief Engineer and half a dozen ships officers were getting stuck in to a few bottles of Gordons which were on the table. Needless say when we requested production of the new stores one of the cases was six bottles short.

My very good friend and colleague Mike had a way with words. He left the Master and the second mate, who was i/c the bonded store, in no doubt that they had committed a heinous crime and the potential consequences of their actions were dire but on this occasion in the interests of Anglo-Peruvian relations the matter would be overlooked. They of course were overjoyed; celebrations recommenced in earnest and more large glasses of warm neat gin were poured for the assembled throng.

The second mate who had at least three days growth of beard was constantly shaking our hands and kissing us (on both cheeks), neither a pleasant nor a comfortable experience. We were intermittently joined at the table by two ladies of the night who were plying their trade from cabin to cabin and required refreshment between spells of work. To top it all the Chief Engineer had been to town and purchased a tape of sacred music by Morriston Orpheus Male Voice Choir and the strains of Jerusalem were blasting out as an accompaniment to this surreal situation.

To think we could have been working in the Ministry of Pensions & National Insurance if we hadn't discovered the Waterguard.' - Peter A Hopkins

Len Hall - A legendary Preventive Officer

'Len was a legendary Preventive Officer at Swansea, he retired c1959. He was a pilot in the Royal Flying Corps during the First World War and his claim to fame was that during his service he had to make a forced landing on or near Cairo railway station. Len was also partial to the occasional glass and was once fined 10/- for being drunk in charge of a bike whilst on his way home from work.' - Peter A Hopkins

The Waterguard Office sign at Kings Dock Swansea

The Exploding Cake